Didja hear the one about AARO's new website?

Or: 'Goober Gets an Education'

And on a gift-shop wall from a market somewhere in downtown Hanoi, Buddha himself was amused by the audacious rollout of the Defense Department’s aaro.mil.

Oh! Looky here – the Pentagon finally activated its own UFO website and put some actual words to read on it. Let’s take a peek:

“Welcome to the website for the All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office (AARO) blahblahblah … mitigate the potential threats to safety and security posed by UAP blahblahblah …” – mm-hmm, mm-hmm – “We look forward to using this site to regularly update blahblahblah” – yup, yup – “adherence to the highest scientific and intelligence tradecraft blahblahblah . . . Minimize technical and intelligence surprise by synchronizing blahblahblah etc. etc. etc.”

Well! Y’all lookin’ good. Let’s see now. I got lotsa questions and here’s a section for FAQs. What are the leading explanations to account for UAP reports? “No single explanation addresses the majority of UAP reports blahblahblah” and nothing in there about nonhuman intelligence, either. Glad they cleared that up because I was fixin’ to panic and jump off a building. Hm. Info on how military pilots can continue to please file reports through “GENADMIN Joint Staff J3 Washington DC 191452ZMAY23 Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena Reporting and Material Disposition blahblahblah.” And, let’s see here, says civilians, y’all just keep on going through the FAA blahblahblah. A little somethin’ for everybody here, looks like. Me personally, I like it.

Whoa! Grab your walker, Goober, check out this here! Actual archived official government UFO footage from the U-S-A! OK, whadda we got here? There’s the GoFast, the TicTac, and there’s that Gimbal down yonder. Wait, looks like they’re calling the TicTac the FLIR nowadays to get a few more clicks, I get that. Anyhow we done seen all these what, five, six years ago now? And they’re still unidentified? See? Know what that says to me? Says to me, these fellas, they’re not a buncha smarter-than-thou know-it-alls sayin’ “nothing to see here but swamp gas folks, move along.” Cause they ain’t the snobs they used to be, I reckon.

Look, here’s a few more vids. Ah – that there little two-second “Navy flyby” speck from last year where those admirals or whatever couldn’t get it to load right during their briefing for Congress. Glad AARO posted it, though, and still sayin’ they don’t know what it is. Know why? That tells me they ain’t forgot about it. Good for them. Good for us.

Explained UFOs are the best

Let’s seeeee here’s another one they call the “Middle East object” – oh, wait, that’s the drone-cam footage we seen from a different hearing this year. Says here quote “Not exhibiting anomalous behavior.” Looks like they went on and posted it anyway. Why not, more stuff, can’t hurt. And look, here’s two more that AARO showed us a few months ago, some little thingies in the sky they calling “South Asian Object Sensor 1” and “South Asian Object Sensor 2.” Let’s see what it says here. . . Oh. “Likely is a commercial aircraft and that the trailing cavitation is a sensor artifact resultant of video compression.”

Let’cha in on a little secret? I think I like the explained ones better’n I like the unknowns, ‘cept I don’t know if it means I’m not crazy or I am crazy.

This here window says “Search All Domain Resolution Office.” Lemme plug in a few letters, a-g-u-a-d-i-l-l-a (space) u-a-p and here she comes – “Sorry, no results found for 'aguadilla uap'. Try entering fewer or more general search terms.” Shit. OK, lemme type Puerto Rico UAP in there. Nope. Aguadilla UFO then. Nope. Hm. Aguadilla’s the four-minute Customs and Border Protection footage from 2013 showing a UFO flaunting transmedium properties by slicin’ into the water and reemerging as two separate UFOs. I seen that video a buncha times. But since it’s not in these here archives, I’m just not interested in it anymore.

OK, well, let’s see if Stephenville’s banging around here somewhere. Should be. That’s the one involving nearly a dozen F-16s in an incident which generated 2.8 million FAA and National Weather Service radar pingbacks through FOIA when a UFO I hear tell was about the size of a flyin’ aircraft carrier without a transponder buzzed Prez H.W. Bush’s ranch in Texas in 2008. Umm — “Sorry, no results found for 'Stephenville UFO 2008'. Try entering fewer or more general search terms.” Well fuck!

Rooftop, please

OK, but wait, OK, last year, I do recall those two Navy admirals or whatever going on record with the House Counterintelligence, Counterterrorism, and Counterproliferation Subcommittee and replaying videos of glowing triangles swarming above a U.S. task force operating off Southern California one night in 2019. That guy, what was his name, Scott Bray, man, Deputy Director of Naval Intelligence? Boy, he nipped that rascal right in the bud. I remember him telling this to lawmakers’ faces 15 months ago:

“We’re reasonably confident that these triangles correlate to unmanned aerial systems in the area. The triangular appearance is a result of light passing through the night vision goggles, and then being recorded by an SLR camera.”

Now doggonnit I know for a cotton-pickin’ fact that testimony’s still online, so AARO’s gotta have Bray’s full analysis tucked away somewhere in here, because they damn sure wanna brag on solving that ‘un! Let’s do multiple combinations, triangles, Navy, 2019, California, task force, UFO, UAP, blahblahblah. “Sorry, no results found for 'navy task force uap california'. Try entering fewer or more general search terms.”

Uhhm, Goobs? Know what I’m startin’ to think? I think the bad actors who built these UFOs in the first place just hacked the Pentagon and stole the cases that aren’t in there. I kinda feel like maybe taking the elevator to the top floor right about now.

But that’s just me. You go on and do what you want.