It's all fiction now

UFO politics grinding to a halt

Inviting honks and middle fingers — lonely defiance against the assault on the federal workforce at a Social Security Administration office, downtown Sarasota.

Contrary to popular lore, the space aliens who crashed at Roswell in 1947 weren’t buggy little humanoids; they were more like 8-feet tall, and feathered. “Think of it as a huge garden slug standing erect like a kangaroo, but with muscular bipedal legs, and a long spear-shaped tail,” says John Chalmers, the custodian of state secrets. Unfortunately, all four crew were killed, and their corpses couldn’t be photographed due to their “infrarange luminescence.”

Recovery teams also retrieved a huge crystal from the wreckage, a visual time machine that resolves historical apocrypha with unambiguous imagery. Remember the biblical scripture about Jesus feeding the multitudes with a few loaves of bread and fish? It’s all true — it’s all there in the crystal. They also found alien eggs. Lo and behold, one of the suckers hatched and escaped its quarantine in an underground lab. The hatchling turned out to be shapeshifter that burrowed its way into a 1,500-mile Appalachian fault line, which the feds have engineered into a secret subterranean railway to sustain government functions after a nuclear apocalypse.

By the way, speaking of nukes, in 1958, Capt. Hilton Barlow, skipper of the flattop USS Franklin Roosevelt, dispatched warplanes to confront a UFO that emerged from the Pacific Ocean. Three of the Skyhawks vanished from the radar screen after achieving target lock-on. Barlow counterpunched by firing a 3,000-pound tactical nuke, which destroyed the UFO.

A blue plate special for aliens

Barlow is debriefed by, among others, the genius John Chalmers, who lets him in on a secret. All UFO sightings on record have “involved nuclear detonations, in Japan after Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and later dozens more throughout the South Pacific islands during hydrogen bomb tests.” Ditto for activity at the Nevada Test Site – “like sharks to the chum line,” Chalmers adds.

He tells Barlow about the Atmospheric Radiation Measurement system, which monitors radiation levels and biological effects before and after test detonations. Chalmers says the post-blast signatures are surprisingly clean, suggesting that the wary UFOs tracking the experiments are scarfing up the dirty isotopes. Chalmers suspects their “ionic pulse engines harvested ambient light in space during their transgalactic voyages” and are likely converting the nuclear waste into fuel for their future journeys – or maybe to energize undersea colonies.

“You mean,” Barlow says, “I’ve just fed the bastards? After they took out my men?”

“Afraid so,” Chalmers replies. “You were kind of like a blue plate special for aliens.”

Bamboozling the masses

These little nuggets come courtesy of The Cryptos Conundrum, a novel by former CIA operator Chase Brandon and published in 2012. Chalmers, its protagonist, is a WWI veteran whose near-death experience on the battlefield activates his third eye, so to speak, and gives him insights into the entire UFO mystery. UFOs, as it turns out, are just a single layer of the onionskin. Calling the shots somewhere upstairs is an ethereal galactic council, anchored by a team of 12 “apostles” called Samaritans.

Chalmers is cursed with a 130-year lifespan, which allows him to flourish in U.S. intelligence space for almost a century. Chalmers serves with OSS director “Wild Bill” Donovan, brainstorms with Albert Einstein and huddles with inaugural CIA director Roscoe Hillenkoetter. A physics whiz and confidant of spymasters from Allen Dulles to William Casey, Chalmers becomes the mastermind of the UFO coverup.

“With the flying saucer craze already sweeping America,” he tells Dulles, “it is inevitable Hollywood will see it as grist for its moviemaking mill. I’ve already identified individuals in the film industry who’ll respond cooperatively to our consultative briefings on story ideas. Through them, we’ll make what we’re trying to hide so public, no one can separate fact from fiction.”

Brandon knew a thing or two about working Hollywood. From 1996-2007, he was the CIA’s official liaison to Tinseltown, meaning writers and directors who wanted to use Langley’s assets in their movies had to run their scripts past Brandon. He rated tons of press for that gig, but not nearly as much as was warranted five years after he retired, when he published Conundrum and dropped a bomb.

And now the real UFO Zelig

Brandon told Huffington Post that, during the 1990s, he was browsing through the Agency’s Historical Intelligence Research Collection when he came across a box with “Roswell” hand-lettered on the label. Infuriating in his lack of specificity, Brandon said only that it contained photos and documents relating to the alleged UFO crash. “For me,” he said, “it was the single validating moment that everything I had believed, and knew that so many other people believed had happened, truly was what occurred."

In other words, 20 or so years after finding Roswell papers in the CIA’s archives, the man novelized his own origin story on the UFO whitewash. “We’ll know our disinformation program is complete,” one of Brandon’s characters says, “when everything the American public believes is false.” So far, so good. And while Conundrum is clearly a work of fiction, Brandon nevertheless submitted it to the CIA Publications Review Board, just to make sure he hadn’t inadvertently leaked any classified stuff.

I couldn’t help but think about Chase Brandon the other day after listening to Jesse Michels’ lengthy interview with former federal trade representative and White House economist Harald Malmgren. At 89 years old, Malmgren was an impressive raconteur – lucid, focused, self-assured in his command of details – and the story he told sounded almost too epic to be true.

An economic advisor to JFK, among others, Malmgren’s career in public service began with a bang at age 27. That’s when Defense Secretary Robert McNamara allegedly assigned him to meet with the Pentagon’s top brass, as the Cuban Missile Crisis reached DEFCON 2 in October 1962. Malmgren was the saga’s unsung hero. He claimed he talked Air Force chief of staff Gen. Curtis LeMay out of launching a preemptive nuclear strike against Russia.

But none of it matters now

Malmgren’s made-for-Hollywood connections ran the length of the Cold War and then some. He alleged that Nikolai Tesla and anti-gravity engineer Townsend Brown collaborated on submarine warfare, and that he, Malmgren, retained a “direct line” to Vladimir Putin until his death in February. But the full-stop news peg was Malmgren’s assertions that a) he’d been briefed on the top-secret UFO program by CIA deputy director Richard Bissell, b) an alien survivor of the Roswell crash had been detained and grilled by military authorities, and that c) he, Malmgren, had actually handled UFO material “the color of space” at Los Alamos National Laboratory, at the invitation of Atomic Energy Commission regional director Lawrence Gise. Malmgren theorized the fragments were recovered during the downing of a UFO during an atmospheric nuclear test sequence called Operation Dominic in 1962.

This is a great story. And I really want to believe it.

However: I don’t care anymore.

Last month, the heretofore anonymous author of the Immaculate Constellation documents submitted into the Congressional Record by the House Oversight and Accountability Committee back in November decided to go public with Jeremy Corbell and George Knapp. I want what he said to be true, because it’s a hell of a story.

We’re sitting ducks!

Using a secure server, former Pentagon analyst Matthew Brown said he discovered a sequestered and ongoing UFO research project — Immaculate Constellation — that had amassed a shit-ton of data, visual and otherwise. Highlights included photo evidence of a UAP shadowing a Russian intelligence vessel. Concerned that maybe a special access program had been exposed, Brown brought his discovery to the attention of supervisors. He was told to never mind, it’s just a wargame exercise.

Convinced of its authenticity, and under cover of whistleblower protection laws, Brown attempted to share his discovery with unnamed congressional sources. They declined to take notes. So he rolled what he knew into an 11-page summary and submitted it to Congress six months ago. The ball is still, apparently, in Rep. Nancy Mace’s court. Brown has yet to hear back from the hearing chair.

But I don’t care.

In a hearing on mysterious and illegal drone activity over restricted military airspace, Rear Admiral Paul Spedero, Joint Staff/Vice Director of Operations, acknowledged in April that more than 350 incursions had been logged over the last two years – but the actual number is classified. “Should our adversaries choose to employ drones for surveillance or even attacks,” Spedero warned a House subcommittee of the Military and Foreign Affairs Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, “we would not be prepared to adequately defend our homeland, and only marginally capable to defend our military installations.”

So what?

The death of hope

Last week, Bob Thompson, former special operations agent with Customs and Border Patrol, decided to go public with his knowledge of The Great Taboo. Having retired in 2022, he revealed that “at least a hundred” CBP colleagues in the southwest have reportedly seen weird “Unmanned Aerial Systems” demonstrating capabilities that exceed those of drug-cartel drones. Thompson augmented the famously bizarre Rubber Duck video, which appeared to be making “search pattern” maneuvers over Arizona in 2019, with additional and previously unseen CBP footage. It showed yet another similarly configured object gliding low over the same area. Thompson raised multiple national security concerns, including flight safety, with NewsNation journo Ross Coulthart.

But I don’t care anymore.

I don’t even care that a handful of lawmakers attended UFO/UAP testimony hosted by the nonprofit UAP Disclosure Fund on May 1. Nervous chuckles emerged as physicist Eric Davis gave Rep. Eric Burlison a quick tutorial on Grays, Insectoids, Nordics and Reptilians. Imminent author/whistleblower Lue Elizondo would get hammered for releasing an unvetted aerial photo of irrigation circles resembling a disc-shaped UFO and its shadow. Former NASA administrator for space policy Mike Gold urged the space agency to reconsider its own anomalous data, from a Tic Tac-shaped object casting a shadow above a Martian desert to the “lunar horizon glow” reported and photographed by Apollo astronauts.

In short, the 3-plus hour panel discussion was all quite interesting. But I don’t care. I don’t care, because none of what happened there — or anywhere else over the next 3-plus years — will matter.

Shilling for dollars

Two of the most qualified people in America to lead a meaningful investigation of our UFO problem gave illuminating presentations at the forum — former Deputy Assistant SecDef for Intelligence Chris Mellon and Rear Admiral Tim Gallaudet, former acting administrator of NOAA. Mellon has been issuing blueprints for where to interrogate top-shelf sensor systems and overclassified UFO projects for years. Gallaudet, a career oceanographer, has stood forcefully against UAP censorship and has the clout to rally the science community.

These are serious and conscientious people. But independent leadership can’t function in the current political environment; it might, in fact, pose a threat to it.

The “government” position on UFOs has never carried a smidgen of credibility. But today, professional competence across the entire policy spectrum is being gutted by fabulously engorged zillionaires for whom more is never enough. Today, every press release and declaration issued by the executive branch — on matters large and small — is suspect. And the new surrealism is enabled in Congress by mental acrobats who’ve forfeited their self-esteem to a convicted conman with the emotional IQ of a 5-year-old.

None of the newly empowered apparatchiks can afford to break ranks and pursue unsanctioned agendas. Their proximity to and potential knowledge of the bossman’s anti-Constitutional conduct may well subject them legal exposure. Their best strategy is to reshape reality and see how long they get away with it. The white-collar criminals guarding the UFO secrets, after all, have been on a roll for generations.

In the meantime, for the next three-plus years, more UFO witnesses will emerge, more photos and videos will go viral, documents of suspicious origin will electrify podcasters, and the noise-machine wheels will continue to spin. But nothing will be done about it. And that may be just as well.

Whistleblowers attempting to cooperate with the chainsaw bandits may find themselves discredited by the stench of servility long after this regime is history. Congressional transparency advocates who support them will remain vastly outnumbered by the husks of coconut monkeys masquerading as public servants. Media conglomerates with the power to elevate whatever career insiders try to bring to light will have degenerated into pigeons squabbling for peanuts behind the velvet ropes. And so far, there are no Daniel Ellsbergs in sight.

Like all other Biden-era bureaucrats, All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office director Jon Kosloski is probably living on borrowed time. “I can’t part my hair without DoD approval,” America’s official UFO point man reportedly complained last year to documentary filmmaker James Fox. That doesn’t sound like a team player — how long can this guy last?

If he writes a check for a couple of million bucks for the upcoming White House cryptocurrency banquet, Chase Brandon could be our new AARO director. Fortunately, I just don’t give a shit.