The king's speech

A sneak peek at the UFO reality address

Life in Jonestown has acquired an advance copy of what the White House is calling “President Donald J. Trump’s Alien Confirmation Speech.” Without further ado:

Fellow Patriots – When I returned to the White House last year to reclaim what was stolen from me, my son Don Junior came up to me and he said, “Sir” – he’d been listening to a lot of podcasts, I suppose, I dunno – he said “Sir, a lot of people are saying if you tell the truth about UFOs, you’ll go down as the greatest leader in the history of the world,” OK? In the history of the world – his words, that’s how he put it. I never much cared one way or another for individual honors, to tell you the truth. Real, not real, believe, disbelieve, whatever, so what? They’ve been flying around up there for a long time – a long time! – and they’ve got nothing to show for it. Nada.

I remember when they were called flying saucers. Nobody remembers that, flying saucers, that’s what they were called back in the day. But no matter what you call ‘em, they never do anything, they just fly around in the sky and when we send our jets after ‘em, they run away. Ever notice that? They just go the hell away. That’s because they know they’ll get blown to smithereens by our strongly upgraded Department of War. Smithereens! They saw what we did to Maduro and Iran and 42 motorboats running fentanyl off Venezuela, which means we’ve saved more than two million American lives so far, two million, think about it. But nobody wants to give credit, no gratitude.

Obama started it

Anyway, a year ago, Don Junior was saying I’d be the greatest leader in the history of the world if the flying saucer thing, but I don’t care about that. Nobody knows more about UFOs than I do, and for my money I’d just as soon watch paint dry. I mean please, somebody please – tell me how to capitalize space aliens. Steven Spielberg, maybe. I hear he’s got another flying saucer movie coming out this summer. Have you seen the previews — not a flying saucer in sight. It looks like a mess with all those birds and deer trashing the house. Such a loser, that guy. Remember how he rushed “The Post” into the theaters in 2017 because he wanted all those suckers who bought tickets to compare Nixon to me? Nobody knows this, but Richard Nixon — such a great patriot — he and I met at the 21 Club in the Eighties and we became great friends, tremendous football fan. He always gave me good advice about the New Jersey Generals, which was the best team in the USFL. And better than anything the NFL was putting out back then, trust me.

So I was minding my own business about the UFOs until something happened just the other day. Barack Hussein Obama – anybody remember that guy, can’t take a joke? Me neither! Suddenly he’s all over the place talking about UFOs and saying they’re real, they’re real, they’re real. And I’m thinking, wait a minute, who is he kidding? This guy’s saying they’re not buried at Area 51 or whatever – how does he know that? What the hell is going on here? How many laws did he just break by saying what he had no business saying?

So I called some people into my office. The gatekeepers, they’re called. I won’t tell you their names because they’re classified as hell. Ever notice that? The most powerful men in the world, you never know their names. That’s because they’re tough, cheap-steak tough, bad hombres as they say – they make Hulk Hogan look like Pee Wee Herman. Anybody remember Pee Wee, that creepy little guy, getting caught with his pants down in the X-rated movie theater?

We’re calling them UFOs again

Anyhow, I said fellas, gatekeepers, whatever you are – Obama, he says there’s a conspiracy to keep presidents from knowing anything about UFOs, can you tell me why? One of them goes, “Sir, it’s because they’ve all been so weak, so very weak.” I said, well, that ain’t me — I’ve stopped eight wars without having to lift a finger! So what are you hiding about UFOs?

He goes, “For one thing, sir, they’re not called UFOs anymore, we call them UAPs!” How about that? Yoo-Ay-Pees. I said what the hell is that, Yoo-Ay-Pees, the new mayor of Hong Kong? He says no, it’s Unidentified Aerial Phenomena, that’s what they’re being called now. I said no, not anymore they’re not – that’s radical left nutjob wokespeak, Yoo-Ay-Pees. We’re going back to UFOs. Now what’ve you got?

Because I addressed them so strongly, they bring in this special laptop and they punch up a video. They say it’s from 1964. Such a long time ago, 1964. Don Ho singing “Pearly Shells.” I said so what am I watching here? They say it’s a missile with a dummy warhead, a stupid one, and it was launched from a place called Big Sur. But we like the sound of that, Big Sur, don’t we? Yes sir! Then this flying saucer – a UFO, not a Yoo-Ay-Pee – this flying saucer shows up. And it’s fairly impressive, y’know, I mean, it fires a few laser beams at this fake bomb, the warhead falls to the ocean and this flying saucer, that’s what they used to call them, it hauls ass outta there because it knows our jets are coming to blast them to kingdom-come.

The Biden crime family

So I’m sitting there looking at this clip and going, “That’s it? Seriously, that’s all? We’ve got drones that can do the same thing even better today – it’s called the Golden Dome!” The big beautiful Golden Dome, nobody’s ever seen anything like it. One of these gatekeepers – he’s a spitting image of Jason Momoa in “Game of Thrones” – he steps up and he says, “Sir, we know how they fly,” and he takes this contraption out of a briefcase. Now, I’m not supposed to describe what it looks like because it’s a so-called state secret, but it’s metallic, gray, and about the size of a fingernail. The little pinkie. When they placed it in my ear, it made this buzzing noise and gave off this little zzzzt! of electricity. My entire inner ear is turning red now, red as a beet and starting to swell shut. Cochlea, they call it the cochlea, but I don’t care, I’m fighting for America, I will always fight for America.

Then I realized. If we’ve got this stuff, then China sure as hell has it, too, and everybody knows it. Everybody except the taxpayers, the American people. Because, folks, the Joe Biden crime family, Sleepy Joe. We have a lot of these Yoo-Ay-Pee contraptions, and I mean a lot! But on his way out the door, Sleepy Joe, he decides to sell one to Chairman Xi, just one, and I’m not even gonna say how much he pocketed from it, the IRS is looking into it. But you know what? It doesn’t work! None of these contraptions do – the smartest scientific brains money can buy couldn’t figure it out, and this level of waste and fraud, the likes of which we’ve never seen before, went on year after year after year, for decades and decades. Such a disgrace. These aliens are supposedly so advanced but they make defective products that don’t work, how about that?

That’s why I’m proud to announce, in a deal the likes of which the world has never seen before, maybe the deal of the millennium – or millennia, in my opinion, if you wanna know the truth about it – the United States of America sold and shipped its entire inventory of worthless Yoo-Ay-Pee hardware to China three months ago. We even sold off what I’m told was alien “biological tissue,” bio. Logical. Biological. True story, they brought a couple of Mason jars filled with this algae-looking slop into my office, telling me it was unlike anything they’d ever seen, but I took one look at it and said get that shit out of here, boys, I don’t care what you do with it, sell it, trade it, flush it, just get it the hell out of here.

Prepare to get rich!

And you know what’s funny? Only now, at this very moment, as I address the nation, is Chairman Xi realizing how badly he’s been snookered. He thought he was getting Davy Crockett and he got Jasmine Crockett instead. They don’t work, guy, you should’a done your research — velly solly! At least you’ve got all those ugly windmills that nobody wants.

The money we made by selling tons and tons of this – debris? Is that what they call it, debris? The money we made off China is enough to cut the national debt in half. Which means, depending on your party affiliation, you’ll be getting some big fat rebate checks in the mail. I’m not gonna say which party, we like to keep ‘em guessing, yes we do. Keep ‘em guessin’! So yes, the world’s greatest nation is open for business again, we’re hot, and getting hotter by the day. You can call it disclosure if you want, and whether that makes me the greatest leader in the history of the world, that’s not for me to say, but people are already talking. Even in Oslo, they’re talking., but I don’t care, not anymore.

So thank you all for letting me serve this great country, good night, and may God bless America’s true patriots and their families. And one last thing, keep your eye on Polymarket. One day soon, when they start wagering in World Liberty crypto, you’ll get tired of being so rich, that I can tell you.