Warming up for Roswell 2023

It's never too early to plan ahead

A visual public-health cue for those traveling on America’s birthday: While we may think we’re done with the coronavirus, coronavirus isn’t done with us!

I wanted to go to the 75th anniversary of the Roswell UFO crash this weekend, but with gas at $5 a gallon, I’ve run out of time to sell enough bags of blood and plasma to get me there. So now I’m passing around the hat at the local open-mic amateur night joint to start saving up for next year. This is all original new material, so if it doesn’t work, please keep your thoughts to yourself:

Guy comes up to me in a bar, he’s wearing a cowboy hat and pointy boots. Says hey, aren’t you the guy who writes that UFO shit? I say yeah, why? Dude says, well, guess what – I work this ranch 20 miles down the road, and the other night I lost a prize heifer to alien mutilation. I said to him, really, how do you know? Guy says she was stuck up in a tree with every bone in her body broken, like she’d been dropped from above. I said, hey, that could’a been anything, what makes you think a flying saucer did it? He says, well, her eyeballs were missing, her tongue had been lasered off, her anus got cored out, her wounds didn’t bleed, her vulva looked like somebody lit a match on a cherry bomb, and the only thing left of her udders were burn marks. I said, well, that sucks – you get a good look at the tags on that spaceship, brother? What’d they say? He goes, “The Aristocrats”!

What is this, a medical examiner’s stag party? Somebody’s toy dog died?

No, but seriously. Anybody out there catch that UFO testimony last month on Capitol Hill? Anybody? Do I see a hand in the back? Oh – she’s asking for the check. Can’t wait to see that tip . . . But yeah, what is it with our lawmakers? Suddenly they decide to go after the military intelligence community for lying about UFOs after 75 years? Now? Really? This is the same crowd that can’t even agree on whether it was #MeToo or a MAGA mob that trashed the Capitol on J6. Here’s the only angle I can figure: Psst, use this code to tell your boss I’ve got a thumb drive from those classified UFO briefings — tell him whoever jumps on it first rules the world.

‘I know nothing!’

Oh – hey! A little sarcastic applause from the lonesome abandoned relic over there on the fourth row. Thanks for the donation, grandpa – this one’s for you: Take my wife – please!

No, but seriously, you did hear about this, right? How Congress actually forced the Pentagon to cough up a couple of hairballs as UFO interrogation fodder? Anybody remember their names? What’s that? A little louder please? Schultz? Oh, Sergeant Schultz, right! And the other guy, Colonel Klink, gotta be. So OK, this one guy, Schultz, I guess, he doesn’t know anything about UFOs disabling our nuclear missiles but he tells the House subcommittee that the triangular UFOs filmed buzzing American warships off southern California in 2019 were just drones. Wait, I’ve got his exact quotes here in my notes. Quote “the triangular appearance is a result of light passing through the night vision goggles, and then being recorded by an SLR camera” end quote. OK, well, he’s the expert, not me, I’ll buy that.

But whoa, not so fast. What Schultz didn’t tell Congress – maybe he didn’t know about this, either — was that one vessel, the USS Omaha, took footage of another UFO, one that plunged into the water at the same time/same place all that triangle stuff was going on. Only, the UFO that disappeared into the ocean was spherical, not triangular. Maybe this drone wasn’t triangular because it wasn’t viewed through night vision goggles and recorded by an SLR camera! Babaloooo!

Wait, shh. Did I just hear a roach being ground into the terrazzo? Is this microphone --? Testing one-two testing one-two . . . Ahh c’mon! Don’t leave yet, man, c’mon, we all have bladder issues . . .

Sheesh. Well, anyway. How many of you guys watch the “Secret of Skinwalker Ranch” reality series on the History channel? Hands? OK. The lead scientist on the show, Travis Taylor, who’s always getting zapped by transient gamma rays? Last week, Taylor announced that he had also been the chief scientist for the Pentagon’s UAP Task Force, simultaneously with the Skinwalker gig. True story. And UAP is what respectable people call UFOs these days when they want to sound scientific, am I right? Am I right?

It’s not the technology

Anyhow, Taylor told reporter George Knapp that he was surprised to see the Pentagon suits telling Congress in May that the triangular UFOs had been identified as drones. Because when the UAP Task Force issued its “preliminary assessment” last summer – a report Taylor helped co-author – the triangles were still unidentified. Nice work by Schultz and Klink to keep those lines of communication open — nicht!

Oh, and this: The guy who leaked the triangle footage and the USS Omaha clips to the media last year, Jeremy Corbell? Corbell doubled down a few days ago and told a British tabloid that those warships were actually swarmed by “hundreds” of triangle-shaped craft, and he knows this because “dozens” of sailors have approached him with eyewitness reports. Yet, not a single one of those witnesses has stepped forward to go on the record. Hm.

Hey, how about an amnesty swap? The sailors agree to testify in public in exchange for the names of the analysts who figured out the triangles were just drones. The team with the most participants puts their names into a lottery draw for dinner with Elon Musk!

Is this what dying sounds like? Um, the manager’s giving me the cue. OK, OK, I’m wrapping it up.

So, we know why the Air Force wants nothing to do with this UFO business, right? And it’s not the technology. At least we can sometimes track UFOs on radar. It’s the little green men. And neither the Air Force nor anybody else can do a thing about ‘em. Because they can materialize in our bedrooms like carbon monoxide fumes. And they’re not even green, they’re more of a mixed-race grey. And they’re not even men – they’re about the size of fourth graders.

Like chandeliers at Versailles

Hey, they’re probably not even male, either. Ever heard an abductee say, boy, you should’a seen the one that beamed my ass up last night, that thing was hung like the chandeliers at Versailles? Me neither. No conjugal nasty to speak of, from what I hear. Unless they’ve got, like, retractable gear. I’m reimagining Ridley Scott’s “Alien” by swapping out the extruding jaws-fangs gimmickry for something a lot more obvious and juvenile. Maybe not family-friendly, but more lucrative. Which makes me wonder:

What if they’re female?

Dude! Cool your damn jets, I’m finishing up here, gimme a break, jeez, shuddup.

Look. Men and women report UFO abductions, right. Doesn’t matter which gender, the case files are jammed with accounts of ova snatching, sperm extraction, trans-species fertilization, tracking-device insertions, hybrid-egg implants, fetus theft, etc., etc. Well, here’s a thought: Women have had thousands of years to get used to the idea of not having control of their own bodies, so they know how to roll with it. But men, they couldn’t handle being pregnant with human zygotes. Maybe the aliens are giving men a taste of their own medicine. I’m trying to picture the Joint Chiefs breaking the bad news in a prime-time address to the nation: “And it’s not just the sperm, fellas, they do nasal and anal probes whenever they want. We’ve got the whole spectrum weaponized, from space platforms to subs at 35,000 feet below and we can’t built a shield against ‘em. So it looks like we’re just gonna have to get used to it and take it up the —”

I’m leaving, I’m leaving! But wait! So, Steven Greenstreet and Keith Kloor go to a bar, where Richard Doty’s waiting to give them a scoop. Don’t cut me off, man, this is my fav—